It is amazing how much Michfest has truly changed my life. What I thought would end up as a nice vacation one week in August has truly become a way of life for me. Taking the time, the space for myself at Michfest has allowed me so much clarity in my daily life, it has provided a springboard for changes I thought I would never make in my life, helped me connect with womyn who have become such wonderful friends and family to me. It has changed me.
I was, for over a decade, married to a man. We have three daughters together, and I came out to him about six years ago. I thought I would be able to tough out the relationship and stay together "for the kids", until I realized that I was doing my daughters NO favors staying married to him. I went to a workshop at Michfest years ago, "Coming out after Marriage", or something like that. I listened very intently to so many different stories from so many womyn there. Some were relatively new to this experience, having just come out relatively recently. Others had been out for a very long time. Some chose to stay married, some had divorced. No one was advocating any one position at all, sharing stories and experiences. I sat there and took it all in. How could I do this to my children? How can I stay in this marriage? How can I make this work? How can I have the life I so desperately want, and not make my children hate me? WHAT DO I DO? The workshop was very interesting, but what I mostly walked away with was the experience of one womon in particular who had remained commited to her husband despite these feelings inside her. It had been nearly 20 years. I just remember, for myself, what a deeply heavy burden that felt like for me. I cannot make it this long. (No one was advocating I do, of course, it was merely the pressure I put on myself). I truly cannot keep up this facade for another 10 years. And with that thought, I was filled with so much fear. What do I do NOW?
I spent another amazing weekend trip on Womyn's Land in New Mexico with one of my dearest friends a few years after that. I had been continuing on in this marriage, still trying to work my way through all these feelings and fears inside me. I remember so vividly while I was there just talking and talking with my friend, thinking, journaling, just generally taking time once again to really step back away from my sometimes all-consuming daily life to truly look at where I was, what I wanted, what I needed to do for my children. That weekend, I realized that no matter how I looked at this, the truth was I needed out of this relationship. It was truly destroying my soul. It may sound dramatic, but it was the truth. The only thing holding me back was the fear of how I would support myself and my three daughters. I had become so financially dependent upon their dad when I chose to stay home with my children, it was a scary place to be in a decade later. The issues within our relationship were far beyond just my sexuality (although of course that was a huge one.) I felt so criticized, so worthless, so incapable of doing anything right. It contributed to my feeling so helpless on my own, of course. Although as I sat there thinking aloud, and the hummingbirds visited around me, I feel like I manifested my future while on that magical land. I could make this work. It would not be easy, but the best things rarely are. I could open a home daycare, I could be successful at this. I didn't have as much to fear as I felt when I first began to think of these things. I had a plan, it was just a matter of figuring out the timing of things.
That week in the woods has impacted far more than my decision to leave my marriage, but for today this is the thought in my head.
