November Writings: Food

"Today is going to be different. Today is the day. I will make better choices. I will succeed. This is the beginning of a new life. Okay, well, don't go overboard," I think to myself, inspired. "Small changes. You can do this. You HAVE to do this."

A little stress this morning, but it is manageable. I am hungry, but I'm busy. It can wait. I have control over you, over this. I can do it. But I should probably eat something.

I should have a snack. Just a small something. Oh, that hit the spot, maybe just a little more. I should stop. I will walk away, I'll have something more substantial soon. A fight, a squabble between my kids. Yelling, screaming. "GIRLS! That isn't how you treat one another. Find something else to do. Just leave each other alone!" They tell me who did what, both said the other one started it, of course.

Agitated, stress is seeping in. I'm feeling so hungry all the sudden. I don't know what to have for lunch, so I'll just grab a little something quickly. I'll open this package of crackers, just have a few.....

A phone call from my mother. Stress. My family is struggling. This situation and that, updates, updates.... "Things just keep getting better and better," my dad always says with a smile. On the one hand, I agree, on the other, day to day, it just seems like it won't ever end. I miss my dad a lot. And I'm hungry. I'm worried about my family. I'm across the country from them, by choice, but cut off. I have guilt. I miss my sister, I miss her a lot. I'm so hungry. I feel lonely, need something to fill this void. OH, those crackers. I'll just grab a few more. Maybe a handful of this, a handful of... GIRLS! STOP YELLING. Please! I understand you are bored, but yelling doesn't help that!

UGH! I'm going to sneak some of their halloween candy while they are busy. They won't miss it, I'll just have the one. Maybe one from each. Hmmm, that's my favorite!

Hell, that's not a small pile of wrappers there. Well, why did I do that? You really need a MEAL, Kirsten. But now I've eaten all this junk, I'll just wait. I don't need the extra calories at this point.

I'm so tired. I sit down on the couch, and just want to fall asleep. My youngest comes in from playing outside, she's crying. Problems with the neighbor kids. This moment feels like the Worst. Moment. EVER to her, she says she wishes she were never born. "Come here, honey. They didn't mean it. They just don't want to play that game right now. Maybe you could play there game for a while, take turns?"

She calms down, decides to go back outside. Crisis averted. Damn, I'm so tired... I have no energy. I'm still hungry for something, but I don't know what. Cheese? Oh, here's some nuts, I'll have some of those. And maybe I'll make a sandwich. Here are some chips. These chips hit the spot.

I just hit the bottom of the bag. Empty. I am NOT keeping it under control today. Oh, Kirsten. You failed again. It's 1pm in the afternoon, and you've already blown it, just like always. Way to go. Well, no more eating until tomorrow. You've had plenty of crap. When will you learn?

I'm depressed. I feel like shit. I feel empty and embarrassed. And hungry.

It fills that void. It calms me down. I turn to food, yet it has become the enemy. I am stuck in a power struggle, and I am losing in all ways but one.

I will start tomorrow. I'll just eat what I want tonight, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow, things are gonna be different. I can do this.