Noise

There are words just below the surface inside me. A constant stream of noise, sometimes arguing, sometimes full of sadness, these words linger.

I want to exorcise this from within me. I want desperately to quiet this maddening roar. 

I want to have listened to that voice inside my head that spoke for months, sometimes whispering, sometimes crying out. I want to go back, make things different.

I don't want to have regret, but I do. And this sadness fills the empty space, this void where there was once hope.
 
If only you hadn't.... Why would you...? How could you...? Why wouldn't you...? Wasn't I worth more...? Did you even see me?

But the truth is, I didn't see her. I pushed so hard to see what I wanted to see, I denied the reality before me. Even when the truth screamed out loud, a deafening roar, I closed my eyes, chose to ignore.

I reassured friends, with a panicked silence of fears unspoken. In the end, I just hung my head and admitted, "I know. I'm not making healthy choices. I don't know what to do."

It's very hard to let go of a dream, even when that dream was gone before it ever really started.

There were good moments. Nearly a year ago, I wrote my last blog post about one of those such moments.

I'm now left with wonder. Did that even happen? Was it all a lie? Was it a game? Or was the damage, the illness far greater than could be overcome.

I'm filled with shame. I grow weary of this feeling. Dreams and anxiety fill my interrupted sleep. Trying to please, trying to be something I'm not, trying to fix what is beyond me, on and on these dreams go. 

I own my own piece in this. I'm in no denial about that, and I'm sure I made other mistakes I've yet to uncover. The bitterness that grew out of denying what was happening fed into a tumultuous relationship. I became jaded, mean-spirited. It isn't who I am. I'm not so angry, *I* am not so damaged. This is who I began to present within this relationship, however. This is who I became. I don't like the ME that was present within this relationship.

I thought it would be different. I guess I fooled myself into thinking I could pick and choose the qualities that fed into a good relationship.

I just kept pushing myself down that path, searching, feeling my way sideways for a panic door. At times in those long months, there felt like no way out.

How can I be so full of sadness at the loss, and so completely consumed by the ultimate feeling of betrayal.

It is hard to sit with in my head, it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to talk to anyone about. My friends have grown understandably weary from a year of drama and upheaval. They are just glad it is over. I am too, don't get me wrong! But there is still a void, sometimes I think it is somewhat out of habit. Our communication was nonstop for over a year, texts, phone calls, then living together, then back to texts, phone calls.... to suddenly have silence once again, silence, mixed with never-to-be answered questions that remain, it's enough to drive me temporarily mad.

And that is how I've felt the past week, mad, full of fury, mad, consumed with questions. I am moving on. I've reclaimed my home once again. I'm trying to feel pride in myself. I'm trying to heal.

I know it will take time, but I long for the day that I can actually feel the quiet once again.